Thursday, February 8, 2007
8 Simple Rules For Dating My Noise Band
1. CRYPTIC IS THE NEW IRONIC
Pick a name with 2 non related words or better yet, make up a word using new letters from your own personal alphabet. Since you have already created an unprecedented new sound why not make up your own system of language.
2. ONLY USE YOUR EQUIPMENT IN YOUR DESCRIPTIONS
Besides the obligatory use of "drone" and "aural (destruction, devastation, rape, murder, man scaping, pan searing, charlie horse...etc)" it's better that you do not describe what your music may sound like, but to just list what ingenious instruments you are using to create such BRAVE SOUNDS. ie... Scrap Metal, 2 Stringed toy guitar, Casio SK-10 covered in orange tabbies, jug of human pus, emery boards (with contact mics, of course).
3. NO LESS THAN 32 DIFFERENT RELEASES PER YEAR.
CD-Rs, cassettes, lathe cut 8"s... you need to be prolific to be taken seriously in this game. No one wants to wait a fortnight to have to hear your new and exciting DRONES and AURAL BUTCHERY. Keep high speed dubbing and make sure your cracked version of Nero is in working order.
Hand made packages are not only lovely personal touches that show you care but FUCKING MANDATORY DUDE! Paste and scissors and magazines and cardboard are just the start. If you expect these kids to consider you down you better get creative with your packaging. Epidermal layers from any mammals are always nice touches as are vending machine toys.
5. LTD ED OOP RARE!
Please do not make more than 50 of any release. What are you... some sort of corporate fluffer?
6. THURSTON MOORE
If this aging queen isn't willing to release any of your ART you might as well surrender yourself to a lifetime of mediocrity. Remember playa... SEND 2 COPIES TO ARTHUR MAGAZINE or else Mr. Moore and his unconjoined twin Mr. Coley will not be able to sell them at Kim's Underground or Ebay without having an extra copy.
7. LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION
Your art is far to precious to be performed in a bar or club. That is why you need to kick it out in a coffee shop or dilapidated ghetto house that is 25 years behind the current zoning ordinances. Black Mold is not only an awesome name for your band or project but great way to get your venue to have street cred.
8. HEAR NO EVIL
Don't actually listen to the music you and your fellow scenesters make... that's just lame.
Not because it's egotistical but because the music is really lame. Just keep on downloading Young Jeezy and Clap Your Hands and Say Yeah and cover your ipod screen for fuck's sake.