Thursday, February 8, 2007

8 Simple Rules For Dating My Noise Band



1. CRYPTIC IS THE NEW IRONIC
Pick a name with 2 non related words or better yet, make up a word using new letters from your own personal alphabet. Since you have already created an unprecedented new sound why not make up your own system of language.

2. ONLY USE YOUR EQUIPMENT IN YOUR DESCRIPTIONS
Besides the obligatory use of "drone" and "aural (destruction, devastation, rape, murder, man scaping, pan searing, charlie horse...etc)" it's better that you do not describe what your music may sound like, but to just list what ingenious instruments you are using to create such BRAVE SOUNDS. ie... Scrap Metal, 2 Stringed toy guitar, Casio SK-10 covered in orange tabbies, jug of human pus, emery boards (with contact mics, of course).

3. NO LESS THAN 32 DIFFERENT RELEASES PER YEAR.
CD-Rs, cassettes, lathe cut 8"s... you need to be prolific to be taken seriously in this game. No one wants to wait a fortnight to have to hear your new and exciting DRONES and AURAL BUTCHERY. Keep high speed dubbing and make sure your cracked version of Nero is in working order.

4. CRAFTMATIC
Hand made packages are not only lovely personal touches that show you care but FUCKING MANDATORY DUDE! Paste and scissors and magazines and cardboard are just the start. If you expect these kids to consider you down you better get creative with your packaging. Epidermal layers from any mammals are always nice touches as are vending machine toys.

5. LTD ED OOP RARE!
Please do not make more than 50 of any release. What are you... some sort of corporate fluffer?

6. THURSTON MOORE
If this aging queen isn't willing to release any of your ART you might as well surrender yourself to a lifetime of mediocrity. Remember playa... SEND 2 COPIES TO ARTHUR MAGAZINE or else Mr. Moore and his unconjoined twin Mr. Coley will not be able to sell them at Kim's Underground or Ebay without having an extra copy.

7. LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION
Your art is far to precious to be performed in a bar or club. That is why you need to kick it out in a coffee shop or dilapidated ghetto house that is 25 years behind the current zoning ordinances. Black Mold is not only an awesome name for your band or project but great way to get your venue to have street cred.

8. HEAR NO EVIL
Don't actually listen to the music you and your fellow scenesters make... that's just lame.
Not because it's egotistical but because the music is really lame. Just keep on downloading Young Jeezy and Clap Your Hands and Say Yeah and cov
er your ipod screen for fuck's sake.

9 comments:

thisisanartthreat said...

But how long should my beard be?

Justin F. Farrar said...

7/8 inches longer that mv's.

Justin F. Farrar said...

that=than

thisisanartthreat said...

"mv?" That's a funny way to spell Matt Wascovich.

witch said...

Hey, you kept driving by Mocha Dreams on Wednesday. Why didn't you stop in? Not into Frapachinoise™?

Robert Mitchum's Skull said...

A good pal of mine moved to Brooklyn, because (from what the cool papers say) it is the place for hip folks to be...He also wanted to meet Byron Coley. I guess Coley has a warehouse where he keeps all if his Jandek LPs plus tons of other cool ephemera. Hell, he knew 8-Eyed Spy when they were called 3-Eyed Secret Agent...anyway...My pal decided to take a peak in the window of this warehouse late one foggy night and the sight he saw shocked him. Coley and Thurston Moore were kicking the shit out of
members of a Brooklyn noise collective. There were members of the legendary group, Smegma, present, too. They were hunched in a corner feasting on what looked like human entrails...Everyone was naked.

My pal moved back to Cleveland soon after.

Anonymous said...

isn't coley's warehouse is in massachusetts?

Anonymous said...

drop that "is"

Rob Roy Fingerhead said...

Hello. I wanted to inform everyone about my new band Teriyaki Insulin Statue, sometimes we go by TIS. We are really influenced by the West Virginian psych movement of the late 80's, well it wasn't really a movemtn, but there was this one guy who recorded a cassette...well, it was a cassingle, but it was totally amazing! That stuff and the French electronic stuff from around 1974, actually only the stuff from like March of '74...well more specifically the stuff recorded on March 18th of 1974. Most of the other stuff was crap! We are releasing a new split demo cd-r next week with our friends Frying Pan Death Farm (they kick ass-kinda grind/psych/prog/core meets Chuck Mangione). Anyway, it's 2 songs from each band on a very limited edition cd-r. It's so limited, we're not going to finalize the discs, that way whoever buys one can add other songs to it and therefore each disc will be totaly unique! They will be issued in a limited paper sleeve with a special stamp on each one. You guys go on about Byron Coley and Thurston Moore, are those guys cool? I thought Thurston Moore was in some classic rock band like a hundred years ago. I don't want any rock critics to even hear our music, cause if they liked it then more people would want to hear it and it would ruin the whole thing.