PSICK OF PSYCH

Why must i have to hear 23 yr old stoners tell me about PSYCH? That term should be resting on a shelf next to PUNK, INDUSTRIAL and AGGRO. What does it even mean anymore? It's applied to everything. Shit, i heard "Reggatta de Blanc" referred to as "The Police's 'What A Bunch Of Sweeties' ".

It's getting to the point where i rather go see a ska band because at least i won't have some shaggy headed dip shit approaching me and talking my ear off about French Psych bands from 1972. Let's face it... if you are in a band and you refer to said band with the P word chances are pretty high that you flat out suck a bag of fuck sticks. It's a catch all term that can instantly give you an easy pass from being a totally crappy band. "The guitars sound like a baby playing with a squeaky door" OH, IT'S PSYCH! "Are those drums or marbles in a dryer?" OH, IT'S PSYCH! "Did he just sing something about a minotaur drinking mead?" OH, IT'S....

Not to just bitch, i offer a simple solution to this horse shit... just stop calling bands and songs and albums PSYCH. Cold turkey stop. Try using the terms _______ ROCK. You don't have to pigeon hole your music or play to current (retro) trends. Make your own noise and let it speak for itself and while your at it stop downloading from those fucking prog blogs (and calling it psych).

rebuttal

8 Simple Rules For Dating My Noise Band

1. CRYPTIC IS THE NEW IRONIC
Pick a name with 2 non related words or better yet, make up a word using new letters from your own personal alphabet. Since you have already created an unprecedented new sound why not make up your own system of language.

2. ONLY USE YOUR EQUIPMENT IN YOUR DESCRIPTIONS
Besides the obligatory use of "drone" and "aural (destruction, devastation, rape, murder, man scaping, pan searing, charlie horse...etc)" it's better that you do not describe what your music may sound like, but to just list what ingenious instruments you are using to create such BRAVE SOUNDS. ie... Scrap Metal, 2 Stringed toy guitar, Casio SK-10 covered in orange tabbies, jug of human pus, emery boards (with contact mics, of course).

3. NO LESS THAN 32 DIFFERENT RELEASES PER YEAR.
CD-Rs, cassettes, lathe cut 8"s... you need to be prolific to be taken seriously in this game. No one wants to wait a fortnight to have to hear your new and exciting DRONES and AURAL BUTCHERY. Keep high speed dubbing and make sure your cracked version of Nero is in working order.

4. CRAFTMATIC
Hand made packages are not only lovely personal touches that show you care but FUCKING MANDATORY DUDE! Paste and scissors and magazines and cardboard are just the start. If you expect these kids to consider you down you better get creative with your packaging. Epidermal layers from any mammals are always nice touches as are vending machine toys.

5. LTD ED OOP RARE!
Please do not make more than 50 of any release. What are you... some sort of corporate fluffer?

6. THURSTON MOORE
If this aging queen isn't willing to release any of your ART you might as well surrender yourself to a lifetime of mediocrity. Remember playa... SEND 2 COPIES TO ARTHUR MAGAZINE or else Mr. Moore and his unconjoined twin Mr. Coley will not be able to sell them at Kim's Underground or Ebay without having an extra copy.

7. LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION
Your art is far to precious to be performed in a bar or club. That is why you need to kick it out in a coffee shop or dilapidated ghetto house that is 25 years behind the current zoning ordinances. Black Mold is not only an awesome name for your band or project but great way to get your venue to have street cred.

8. HEAR NO EVIL
Don't actually listen to the music you and your fellow scenesters make... that's just lame.
Not because it's egotistical but because the music is really lame. Just keep on downloading Young Jeezy and Clap Your Hands and Say Yeah and cover your ipod screen for fuck's sake.